“Little Known Smallville Facts”

Facts about the Smallville Universe that you might not have been aware of ... and might not WANT to be aware of.

*** Small-Mart ***

The founder of Smallville got rich by opening a series of stores called "Small-Mart." They drove Wal-Mart out of business early on.

*** Lionel Luthor Doesn't Play Chess ***

Of all people, you would think Lionel Luthor would be brilliant at chess, but he refuses to play and you'd better never suggest playing chess with him ... or even bring up the topic of chess ... or make any chess references. Lionel Luthor joined the chess club in school. His first move was to touch his knight then he took his finger off of it. His opponent yelled "Touch move!" Lionel didn't know that you had to move the piece if you touched it ... and if you couldn't you lost the game. In one touch, he lost his first game. He said, "I only touched the horsy by accident!" When the other kids heard that he was laughed out of the building. He was never able to live it down. Up until that point, he was a caring, loving individual with a heart of gold. A week later, he hired the hit on his parents. Now you know ... the rest of the story. I bet you wish that you didn't.

*** Cave Legend ***

A native American living in the area now know as Kansas was eating a dinner of beans and distilled corn mash. That was the only food he had left but he had a lot of it. He was in incredible pain because he had been constipated for over a week. Then he bent over to pick up a twig that had fallen out of his fire when he suddenly let out a gigantic stream of gas. The fire ignited it and soon he was air born amidst a cloud of fire. This was witnessed by other Native Americans and the story spread and became exaggerated. They worshiped the man as their god. One day he was terribly hung over and went into the caves to get out of the glare of the sun. To express his pain, he began drawing a self portrait of himself on the wall.  The pictured show him with his torso split in two parts – an evil animalistic side and a civilized side.  The two sides are engaged in a struggle. Other paintings followed.

*** Lex's Hair ***

It is an unknown fact that Lex's hair still grows! Lex's encounter with Kal-El's space ship only changed the DIRECTION that his hair grows. Instead of growing out, it grows IN! Fortunately for him, it also grows very slowly. By the time he is older, his gray matter will be under great pressure from all the hair pushing in on it. Since it is impossible to wash, it will be all greasy and matted. This, not anything else, is the reason that Lex becomes crazy and evil.

*** Smaller Than Smallville ***

Before being purchased by the Small family and renamed, Smallville was named Kandor, Kansas.  It was the smallest city on the face of the Earth.  It had only one resident – Fred (Pee Wee) Crow.  He stood only a quarter inch taller than the famous Tom Thumb the midget.  He actually toured with Tom Thumb as part of P. T. Barnum’s traveling show.  He was promoted as Tom’s bigger brother.  Kandor only had one building and that had a single six foot by six foot room.  The roof was 5 foot tall at its peek.  Pee Wee was gone touring 9 to 10 months a year so the record books showed the town’s population as one-eighth. 

*** The Smallville Pizza Ordinance ***

It is illegal for any business operating within the township of Smallville to serve "plain" (cheese) or vegetarian pizza.  All pizzas sold ready to eat must have an abundant meat topping.  There have been many infractions against pizza houses and they often claim that they just ran out of toppings.  No owners of any establishment selling ready to eat pizza has seen any jail time or paid any penalties, but the ever-diligent Sheriff's Department stakes out the pizza shops and confiscates all the ones that don't comply with the ordinance.  In fact, the deputies are much nicer to owners that make at least 3 mistakes a week that to those who never violate the ordinance.

Before the meteor shower, every establishment was expected to sell a corn product (usually a corn meal based crust but sometimes an actual creamed corn sauce) to support Smallville being the "corn capitol of the world."  After the meteor shower, Smallville became the "meteor capitol of the world."  The ordinance was changed by unanimous vote of city counsel to make the corn products optional but required meat toppings on pizza.  They felt it only fitting that the meteor capitol of the world serves only a 'meatier' kind of pizza.  Word spread to Washington about the ordinance.  Today, every person who was on the city counsel when the ordinance was passed holds a high paying consulting job for the government.  Such political geniuses would be wasted on a small town like Smallville.

And that's the plain truth!  OOPS!  Sorry ("plain" not allowed)!  That's the meaty story behind Smallville's Pizza Ordinance.

*** Smallville Stop Lights ***

Be extra cautious if you are driving through Smallville and end up behind a truck driveN by Clark Kent!  It is a little known fact that the top and bottom lenses in the stop lights in Smallville are made from meteor rocks. If Clark approaches a stop light and the light is shining through the red lens, he gets an evil smirk on his face and drives on through it. If the light shines through the green one, he gets sick and stops his truck.

*** Smallville's Ballet Troup ***

Smallville's Ballet Troup only existed for 5 short seasons. This was attributed to the people in charge of production and their lead dancer setting a policy of "No tights, no tour en l'air."

*** Why Three Years? ***

Clark left Krypton as an infant and arrived as a 3 or 4 year old. The reason was that the spaceship took the UPS Wormhole instead of the Fed-Ex Wormhole.

[Ca-Ching!]

*** M&M's ***

Clark Kent eats only the red M&M's. He won't even touch the green ones.

*** How The Cookie Crumbles ***

Martha decided to market a line of fortune cookies for women that would encourage them to excel in business and stand up for their civil rights. Jon showed his support by investing his savings in her venture, but for some reason, Martha's "Ms. Fortune Cookies" never caught on. That was the start of the Kent's financial troubles.

*** This Topic ***

It is a little known fact that this topic exists.

*** Nell Let Lana Pick Her Nose ***

Nell wasn't given enough credit for the role she played in Lana's development. Most Mother's would not let their daughter pick their nose but Nell allowed Lana too. The Jor-El memories of Louise were not quite correct. Those memories were skewed by his feelings for her. In fact, Louise had an outstanding feature that would have kept her from ever making it in Hollywood ... oops, I mean "succeeding in the movie business." Louise "made it" wherever she went. Lana was destined to look just like Louise and Nell knew it, so she gave Lana helpful advice to guide her, but in the end she allowed Lana to pick her nose. Nell took her to the best plastic surgeon in Metropolis and Lana picked the nose she wanted from a book they had there so she wouldn't end up with the large honker that Louise had.

*** Immigrants From West Virginia ***

People from West Virginia had been relocating to Smallville but they started moving out after the meteorites fell. The few that remained left when the caves were discovered and no one from West Virginia has moved there since. Invariably, these questions come up in Smallville:

1. When is it a meteor and when is it a meteorite? AND

2. Which is the stalactite and which are the stalagmites?

Life is confusing enough just trying to keep left and right straight let alone answering the above questions day after day. That is also the reason that I will never move there.

[Many West Virginians also left because it was common for native Smallvillians to tell them that there was a grain silo somewhere in Smallville in which someone had dropped a quarter in the corner. They got too dizzy to stay despite the possibility of finding that quarter someday.]

*** Favorite Movie ***

Lionel Luthor's favorite movie is "Cat People."

Lex prefers a movie that can make him cry -- namely "Hair."

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Question:  On 2004-06-16 19:19:00, Supergrl11 wrote:

Where do you get all this stuff?

Answer:  Chloe investigates for me but I have spies everywhere. Plus I visit the rest home in Smallville often and listen to what the older residents have to say. I also copy (with their permission) stories from the newspaper called "The Lodger" which is put out by the FOP (Fraternity of Pigeons) in Smallville. They are famous for their short tall tales.

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*** Famous Quote ***

The famous saying "S**t rolls downs downhill" was first said by Mr. Boyd I Reek. He lived in the Witache Valley on the outskirts of Smallville ... next to the Hilltop Pig Farm.

*** Smallville In Music History ***

After Sonny Bono died, Cher decided to move her and her daughter to a small town without any nosey reporters.  After landing at the Metropolis airport, she met and fell in love with a cultist selling flowers who she mistook for Lex Luthor.  They were quickly married before traveling on to Smallville.  Discovering that he was not Lex, she tried to make the best of the situation by forming a singing duo with him called “Moonie and Cher.”

The marriage didn’t last, but then Cher met female impersonator Michael Rosenbaum and married him.  Cher purchased the Talon and the two perform there every night in an act called “Cher and Cher Alike.”

Upset at the continual relational problems that her mother was having, Cher’s daughter decided to never have any kind of relationships at all.  She had her last name legally changed from “Bono” to “Belt.”

*** Underground Railroad ***

Smallville was an important link in an underground rail road of sorts a couple centuries before the town was even founded.  Krypton was often invaded by alien races looking for slaves, so they created a portal to Earth that has an exit in the caves near Smallville.  The Kryptonians were too weak to defend themselves against the aliens so they fled here.  You see, Kryptonians were the second weakest race of humanoids in the Galaxy.  Now that all but one Kryptonian is gone, they will be coming for us next.

*** Experimental Zip Code ***

The US Post Office chose Smallville to test a new type of postal zip code that uses both letters and numbers.  It never caught on, but Smallville’s zip code was never changed back to all numbers so it remains as a reminder of a failed experiment.  So, remember to use Smallville’s Zip Code when you send a letter or package there.  Their Zip Code is:

O I C U R 1 2.

*** Unique Law ***

One of the Mayors of Smallville had first held office as the town Sheriff.  While a sheriff he had his nose blown off (supposedly) in the line of duty.  (That’s why he was also the first one in Smallville to get contact lenses but that is another story.)  People made fun of him for his deformity, so when he won the Mayor’s race by a nose … er … by a … mustache, he got a law passed that it was a punishable offense to make fun of the looks of anyone holding the office of Sheriff.  There is a stiff fine and jail time involved.  Since that day, the Sheriff’s job in Smallville has been the job most sought after by people in law enforcement known for being butt ugly.  It has reduced crime because no one wants to be hand cuffed and interrogated by …. Oh, you get the idea so I’ll stop here.  I will note that Smallville City Government has had no shortage of funds since Sheriff Nancy Adams took office.

*** Paid Political Announcement ***

We interrupt these Little Known Smallville Facts Topic to bring you this paid political announcement:

Sheriff Adams has had her day, now let me have mine. I don't mind allowing vigilantes to clean up Smallville for me and will accept any money the Luthor famly is willing to send our way. Others who have held this office had pride without reason. I have NO PRIDE because I know I have no reason to have any. I want to drive fast anytime and for any reason, eat free donuts and carry a gun ... and legally arrest anyone who reminds me about how I look.

Elect DavidHayes1956 for Sheriff of Smallville.

Not just another pretty face!

Paid for by the friends of DavidHa ... No ... by the Tired of Sheriff Adams as Sheriff Committee. We don't pay taxes --  I don't know if that means that we're non-profit, lazy or just criminal.

*** What's in a Name ***

Lachlan Luthor was cleaning out the spare room in his small apartment in anticipating the lifelong dream of his that was about to be realized. He visualized the layout he would have. He had already staked out the hobby store that he planned to rob. Then his wife came in and said, "Hey you lazy idiot. Remember the night you were too lazy to run to the drug store? It's a good thing you're cleaning this room out because you're about to become a father." Lachlan cursed then yelled, "I have waited my entire life for only one thing, to have a room filled with miniature buildings and bridges and tunnels and a track with a Lionel train running through it. That's ALL I ever wanted!"

His wife answered, "If that's ALL you wanted, I would have gotten a little sleep and we wouldn't be having this baby. When you're done cleaning out the room, go case a store that sells baby furniture."

And that is how Lionel HO Scale Luthor got his name.

*** Smallville’s Great Depression ***

Smallville wasn’t affected very much by the stock market crash in the first half of the 20th century.  The people of Smallville were a self-sufficient lot who were more likely to keep their money in a mattress than in a bank.

But Smallville did have a Great Depression that the town barely survived.  At one time the town’s economy had become heavily dependant on corn.  They canned the corn, put the corn shucks into mattresses and sold the corn cobs.  Then the unexpected happened.  A new product had been invented and become very popular.  As it became mass-produced, cheap and readily available, one of their most profitable products was no longer needed or wanted.  To make things even worse, what was once a saleable product was now a waste product that they had to dispose of at great expense.  No one wanted corn cobs now that they had  …

toilet paper.

And now you know … the rear end of the story.

This is David Hayes, stand by for more  … facts.

*** What’s Shaking? ***

Lionel was hiding the fact that he was in financial difficulties in the time immediately following his purchase of the plant in Smallville.  His secret meteor rock research was costing a fortune and was producing no income.  Then he read the following article about Ray Croc:

“Ray Kroc mortgaged his home and invested his entire life savings to become the exclusive distributor of a five-spindled milk shake maker called the Multimixer. Hearing about the McDonald's hamburger stand in California running eight Multimixers at a time, he packed up his car and headed West. It was 1954. He was 52 years old.  Ray Kroc had never seen so many people served so quickly when he pulled up to take a look. Seizing the day, he pitched the idea of opening up several restaurants to the brothers Dick and Mac McDonald, convinced that he could sell eight of his Multimixers to each and every one. "Who could we get to open them for us?" Dick McDonald said.

"Well," Kroc answered, "what about me?"

Ray Kroc opened the Des Plaines restaurant in 1955. First day's revenues-$366.12! No longer a functioning restaurant, the Des Plaines building is now a museum containing McDonald's memorabilia and artifacts, including the Multimixer!”

Inspired, Lionel got to work and soon he was worth more money than ever before.  I heard Darwin ask, “How did he do it?”   Well Darwin, he turned a problem into a solution.  One of his workers came to him with a serious medical problem.  Lionel did what the normal, caring, sympathetic boss would do, he fired the guy.  Then he researched what his worker had been exposed to that gave him that condition.  Lionel opened thousands of  “Stalk and Shake”  restaurants across the country.  Their ad campaign said, “Stalking someone you are obsessed with can be hard work.  Often there is no time to get the quick energy you need without losing track of the person you are following around.  We have the solution!  Drive up or walk on in.  We will hand mix a milkshake with the ingredients you choose in the blink of an eye.  Try “Stalk and Shake”  TODAY!  And if you want a job at America’s fastest growing food chain, come in and apply today.  Benefits include free meals.  We are an affirmative action employer.”

It’s surprising how fast a person can mix up a milkshake when they have a bad case of … the jitters.

*** The Cast from the Blast in the Past ***

Again, in order to make an account of Clark Kent's life able to be told in one hour episodes on the historical drama "Smallville," the stories were "time compressed."  On the occasion when Clark was beaten up and thrown into a blast furnace, he was shown emerging from the blast furnace in a few moments.  That made for dramatic television and the back side view of Clark didn't hurt the ratings either, but what REALLY happened is some what different.  Clark was unconscious for 2 days after the beating.  The fire burnt off his clothing.  Then he floated in the molten iron as his body recovered.  The blast furnace's safety mechanism kicked in and the furnace shut down.  That was on Sunday.  Workers discovered the block of iron on Monday, took it out of the furnace and put it in cold water to complete it's cooling process.  The iron cooled too quickly and cracked.  When Clark woke up, he inhaled deeply, his chest expanded and the block of iron split in two.  He left quickly so that none of the workers would see him naked.  He was also anxious to track down the guys who had put him into the furnace.  A worker found the cracked block of iron and discovered than it was hollow and had a distinct imprint inside it.  He went to his boss and asked to buy the scrap hunk of iron as a boat anchor.  His boss was glad to get rid of it.

I am happy to announce that the Franklin mint has purchased this block of iron and has done some very minor work refining the block to use it as a mold.  The Franklin mint is now offering full size (except for a shrinkage allowance) statues of Clark Kent in various precious metals.  The pewter Clark Kents have been sent to some little old ladies in Salt Lake City Utah where our Best craftswomen will meticulously hand paint them to achieve a remarkable lifelike appearance.  These statutes will be strictly limited in quantity (to the amount of orders we receive) and will no doubt increase in value in the coming years.  Just call the 1-800 number below or write us at the address given before a moderator deletes it.

The phone number is  [….]

The address is  [….]

*** Super-Secret Superman Watchers ***

Little beknownst to anyone besides myself and now you, my reader, there is a large metalic object buried beneath **zzzsszzt** 's farmhouse which houses a crew of spies from **crrzzassvts** that constantly monitors all of Clark's activities. They have advanced spy equipment and will brutally take out anyone who learns of their exista AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*** A Little Friendship When Needed ***

Professor Hamilton knew that Pete Ross knew Clark's secret and that he was a loyal and trustworthy friend.  After kidnapping Pete, he took some genetic material and started growing one of his new experiments.  He died before he could see the result of his genius, but Lionel found the diminutive creature (that means "small") and replicated it.

Did you ever want to have your very own close and personal friend with you at all times -- Someone who would be there whenever you needed words of encouragement ... but who could be put him away for weeks on end without having to hear a word out of him?  Now available from LuthorCorp Labs, own your very own "Pocket Pete."

*** No Spider, No Man ***

Paul R. McFly of Smallville hated spiders with a passion and they were infesting his fields.  He developed a poison that targeted spiders and his wife suggested he market it.  It became a standard product in many labs and nuclear facilities.  Thanks to Paul, there are no radioactive spiders anywhere.

*** Short Visitor From Another Planet ***

Contrary to the "Smallville" depiction of events, Clark did not arrive on Earth by himself.  Martin Short (Mar-Tin) of Krypton was sent to look after the child's welfare.  When Mar-Tin saw that Clark was in good hands, he moved to Hollywood to pursue a career but is still ever watchful of Clark's welfare -- from a distance.

Mar-Tin is skilled in the use of all his powers but chooses to hide them so that he can be loved for who he is and not for his un-earthly abilities.

*** Farm Inheritance ***

The Kent farm has been given to the first male child in each generation of the Kent family.  Some considered this a blessing, some a curse.  Jonathan would never have inherited the farm if not for a miscommunication a few generations before.  Jonathan's great, great, great uncle was set to inherit the farm.  He was heading out to go hunting one day and was looking up in the sky because he thought he heard thunder.  He heard his father yell to him and misinterpreted what he had said.  He turned in his father's direction, smiled and waved at him.  That was the last thing he ever did.  When he thought his father had yelled "By, Son" he had actually yelled, "BISON!"  He misheard … but the herd didn't miss him.

*** Smallville 10,000 BC ***

A cunning archeologist came to Smallville to prove that people from Atlantis visited Smallville in 10,000 BC.  He knew that the lands and seas were much different in those days and charted the course of a great inland river that ran to the present site of Smallville.  He was Uninvited so he was paying more attention to whether he was being watched so he fell Head Over Feet on a Jagged Little Hill.  If you are an archeologist, You Oughta Know to watch where you step.  Still, it was a lucky break for him because he fell on what he was looking for.  He found what was left of the docks where the ancient visitors moored their ships.  There wasn’t much left, but today you can find what is left of some of the cables they used to secure their boats.  They are classic and well preserved.     A more beautiful pair would be hard to find.  They are proudly on display at the Smallville museum for anyone who would like to see or touch them.  So come to Smallville if you want to see the one and only Atlantis Moor Set.

*** Egyptian Farm ***

There were great droughts at time in Egypt and the Boy King loved to eat.  If he went hungry, people died.  Egyptian explorers went to everyplace on the planet looking for new types of foods that their young Pharaoh might enjoy.  The set up a farm in North American where present day Smallville is located.  They grew a crop that local natives showed them how to grow.  When the ship arrived loaded with the harvest, the Boy King loved the new food so much that he ate nothing but that product in whatever kind of recipe his chef’s could formulate.  The food had a nasty side effect but no one could comment least they be put to death.  All through the night, the Boy King ate by the blue glow of the lamp light.  Soon, he was given a new name that would again become famous when his tomb was discovered un-molested centuries later.  All the tomb robbers knew exactly where the tomb was and also knew of the incredible riches it contained, but none dared enter -- not because of any curse, but because of a terrible odor that took years to dissipate.  Only the chef and his dog knew the recipe for the wondrous foods they prepared for their boy king, but neither of them or their descendants ever told the secret of their beautiful bean recipes.  And Toot Uncommon certainly didn’t tell!

*** The Chinese Called Him Rick ***

Richard Shaw of Smallville invented a 2 wheel cart for people who didn't have horses to carry their belongings around.  His invention never caught on in the US so Rick was discouraged and left the US to become a missionary in China.  He took a couple 2 wheel carts with him.  Everyone over there wanted one and transportation in China was vastly improved.  They still call his invention by his name today.

*** HELP WANTED ***

GREAT!  I need a temporary research assistant.  Chloe said that she needed to get away for a while before testifying against Lionel Luthor.  I heard that she just went home and blew up -- LITERALLY!  This is Smallville, so she'll be back of course.  But who is going to help me until she does?  Chloe will be hard or impossible to replace.

Here's an applicant right now.  Hmmm. An attractive brunette.  Kind of looks like Chloe.  Wonder if she takes dictation?  That's stupid! I don't know how to give dictation.

Oh, well.  I have to stop and interview this person now.  If this woman knows how to track down the information, I’ll pass it along to you.  If these actually accounts of Smallville don't continue, you'll know it didn't work out.

***  Skeleton in Martha’s Father’s Closet ***

Just to let you know, that brunette – Lois was her name, had no interest in doing local stories “about a bunch of farm boys.”   She wanted me to make this a “Little Known Metropolis Facts” column instead.  I told her to come back in 5 years and I might be prepared to do that now.  But here’s the good news:  Chloe would never let me get into her drawers when she was here but I’ve taken a peek whenever she didn’t notice and I saw something in there worth getting into.  A few seconds ago, my letter opener accidentally slipped and pried the locked drawer open and the papers fell out.  I happened to see a few stories as I picked them up.  I wonder why they were in there.  She may have decided to protect her friends and their families and didn’t trust me … just because I told a story or two after promising her that I wouldn't.  If she had looked at my fingers like any great journalist would know to do, she would have seen that my fingers were crossed and I had every right to tell those stories.  Well, some of the reports were in code but here’s a short one about Martha Kent’s father Mr. Clark.

William Clark is a wealthy man – not in the Luthors’ league but well off just the same.  People think he earned his fortune as an attorney.  That is partially true.  He started making his REAL money when he bought a bar in Metropolis and started serving watered down alcohol to men who came in to watch exotic dancers do their stuff.  Before long, he opened franchises all over the country and the money came rolling in.  He sold the chain to Morgan Edge for a tidy sum, but the chain of seedy gin joints still bears the family name.  Remember what I’ve told you the next time you see a Clark Bar.

*** For the Record ***

For the record, I David Hayes lost my poetic license a couple months ago. I am appealing the decision to revoke it, but in the meantime, I am not allowed to have flights of fancy -- or where tights while having flights of fancy for that matter. I am not allowed to exaggerate or embellish my reports in any way (the powers at be told me that 10 gazillion times. My wife, Pamalla Anderson, heard it if you don’t believe me.). If I deviate from the facts in any way, or am deviant in any other way, I could face prison time as Martha Steward’s cell mate. So, I must stress that these fact are, to the best of my limited knowledge, fair and accurate descriptions of what actually occurred. Keep that in mind when and if you read them. Thank you for your kind attention and good day.

*** Hoe Down ***

Smallville was not always a city of racial harmony that it is shown to be on the weekly docudrama “Smallville.”  Sheriff Kevin K. Kendrick was a known white supremist and a lousy tipper.  He was very interested in one of the Small girls who worked at a local restaurant, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with him – because of the tip thing and because of the ugly issue (see earlier story).  Ever since he saw Lilly Small checking out Ephraim Ross’s muscular backside, he had a it out for him.  Ephraim was unhappily married but would never consider cheating with anyone – let alone a white woman descended from the town’s founder.  If anything ever happened in town, the Sheriff hurried out to the Ross farm and hauled Ephraim in for questioning.  Ephraim was always co-operative, but both men were nervous whenever they met.  The Sheriff was nervous because Ephraim was 3 times the Sheriff’s size and Ephraim was nervous because the Sheriff pulled his gun for any reason and his hand was none too steady on the trigger.

One day, the Sheriff heard that a small white boy had jay walked across Main Street, so he jumped in his car, turned on the lights and siren and raced out to the Ross place at high speed to bring Ephraim in.  He found Ephraim in the field with a scythe.  The Sheriff had no idea what farmers called that thing that Ephraim was holding, but it looked scary so the Sheriff pulled out his gun and took a threatening stance while trying to steady the twitch in his arm.  He yelled, “This is Sheriff Kendrick!  Do EXACTLY as I say or you WILL BE shot!”  Ephraim turned quickly and the Sheriff’s arm twitched even more at the sight of the sun shining off the scythe’s long, sharp blade.  Ephraim saw the Sheriff’s finger vibrating on the trigger and was ready to do whatever the Sheriff told him too as quickly as he could.  The Sheriff yelled, “PUT … YOUR … HOE … DOWN … NOW!”

Scared, Ephraim quickly replied, “My wife, she is fat … and she is UG-LEE!”

Not having been obeyed, the Sheriff emptied his revolver in Ephraim’s direction, grazing his arm with one of the bullet.  He tried to reload but dropped his bullets and fainted as the huge black man approached him.  He woke up at the diner in town.  Ephraim had carried him in.  He didn’t want to be accused of running off or of stealing the Sheriff’s car if he drove the Sheriff into town.  So he put the Sheriff down in the diner before going to the jail and locking himself up in his usual cell.  Shortly after Ephraim served his 60 days for jay walking, inciting a riot and assaulting an officer, Ephraim was appointed as the town’s new Sheriff to avoid any bad press.  It was the last time that the town Sheriff WASN’T ugly.

*** The White Knight in Smallville ***

A personal tragedy orphaned a young man and made him decide to be a crime fighter.  He trained hard for the day when his crime fighting career would begin.  He never watched TV or went to see movies.  His life was devoted to his grueling workout routines and studies of criminal psychology.  He decided to test his skills away from his own city until he became good enough to face the powerful criminal element where he lived.  To conceal his true identity (for he was known due to the fortune he had and his business skill even as a teenaged boy), he dressed all in white – white mask, white tights, white cape.  He called himself “The White Knight.”  He was totally unaware that a character called the White Knight already existed on TV commercials aimed at selling laundry detergent.

One day, Lionel Luthor had work crews out to tear down a historic building in Smallville and the residents were staging a peaceful protest.  The White Knight had called his lawyer and a restraining order was on its way to stop the demolition.  In the mean time, he watched the crowd to make sure that violence didn’t break out.  Lionel was determined that the work proceed so he had sent in a number of his goons disguised as construction workers to see that no one interfered.  One of the protesters got in front of a truck hauling topsoil and sat down to block it from moving.  The man driving the truck got out and was approaching the protester with a large tire iron and was about to strike the protestor when the tire iron was knocked out of his hand by a boomerang.  He turned to face the man who had thrown it – the White Knight.  The men began to fight.   Three more of Lionel’s men joined the fight and the White Knight was still winning, so one of the men started the lift mechanism on the dump truck full of topsoil.  The White Knight saw that the load was about to fall on the protester sitting there, so he made quick work of Lionel’s men, rushed over and got the man out of the way … just in time for the truck load of topsoil to bury him.  The crowd looked in horror at the motionless pile of dirt, thinking for sure that this heroic stranger had been killed.  Then a hand came up out of the dirt and then another and a few citizens rushed to get the stunned vigilante out of the topsoil.  There was a hushed mumbling in the crowd until a smart aleck in the crowd who shall remain nameless shouted out, “I always thought that the White Knight was stronger than dirt!”  The crowd burst out laughing and the humiliated young man silently walked away.  A young boy with his mother pointed to the dirty hero as he walked past and said, “Isth that a good mans or a bat mans?”  His mother answered, “I think he has good intentions, but he looks more like a dark knight than a white knight to me.”

For years after that, Bruce Wayne didn’t show his face, masked or un-masked, in Smallville.  That is one of the reasons he will not be appearing in Season four of the docu-drama “Smallville.”

*** Caught In the Act ***

[ ** Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do When She Comes For You? ** ]

Someone was selling pure Meteor Rock Powder (MRP) on the street.  People were using the stuff to Freak Out.  A law was passed against dealing in the substance without a license.  If you were licensed, you had to keep a strict record of who it was sold to, in what quantities and for what stated purpose.  There was an effort made to regulate the refinement of meteor rock into its pure form but, for some reason, high priced Luthor Corp lawyers got that legislation blocked.  So anyone with a blast furnace could legally make the stuff – they just couldn’t sell it without proper authority.

Sheriff Adams had been trying to find the dealer, but had only managed to round up the MRP junkies.  She took the bags of the powder from the junkies and looked for fingerprints.  The finger prints that were common to all the bags were not found in the FBI data base of fingerprints for known criminals.  So Sheriff Adams found the place where the bags were purchased and got the addresses where they had been delivered.  Of the places she checked out, only three had blast furnaces.  She got warrants to search the 3 building and dusted for finger prints.  She found a match.  Now she only needed to wait for her MRP dealer.  It wasn’t long before the man showed up with a bucket of meteor rocks and loaded them into a heavy metal bucket.  He put the bucket into the blast furnace and was waiting for the rocks to melt when Sheriff Adams and 3 of her deputies cornered and subdued him.  She cuffed the man and read him his rights.  He yelled at her, “There’s no law against me refining meteor rocks!”

The Sheriff calmly said, “That’s true, but there is against selling if without a license.”

The man laughed and said, “You didn’t catch me dealing did you?”

The Sheriff said, “No, but the fingerprints on the bags of illegal MRP being sold match the ones on and around this blast furnace.  If your finger prints match the ones we have on file, you will no doubt do hard time.”

The man said, “I’ll never admit to doing anything other that smelting the meteor rock ore!”

Sheriff Adams said, “Well, if you smelt it, you dealt it.”

*** Lucky at Love, Unlucky at Meat ***

Elaine Small never married, but when she turned 76, she took in a man named Oscar Mayor who was 20.  Elaine was still a looker at that age and any man was lucky to have a woman with such an appetite for life.  Elaine had to support Oscar while he lived because he had no business sense.  He was a local butcher and tried to take his Oscar Mayor line of meats to national food chains.  He did well at first, but he insisted on running his own ad campaign.  He chose the orphaned girl Lana Lang to star in the commercial.  She was very cute in her pink outfit, but the food chains stopped buying his products soon after the commercial aired.  The problem was that Oscar took cost cutting measures in order to compete with the big boys but he was one of the most honest men to have ever walked the Earth.  In the commercial, Lana sat on a Meteor Rock and sang:

 “My bologna has a first name.

It’s S-T-R-A-Y.

My bologna has a second name.

Its D-O-G-G-Y.

I have to eat it every day,

Cause if I don’t I won’t get paid.

Oscar Mayor gives dogs their day

As b-o-l-o-g-n-a!

Oscar also lost his job as the county’s Dog Catcher.

*** Remember! ***

Moe Small, Larry Kent, Curley Kent and his other brother Curly Joe Kent along with their friend Shemp Lang ran away from their Smallville home to join the Texas Revolution. They had been assigned the job of bricking in a door to an alleyway behind the fort they were stationed at. The door provided an easy access for a clever enemy to bridge the Fort’s defenses. The boys got in a terrible fight when Shemp over watered the concrete mix and made it useless. Home Depot had already closed for the day, so Moe decided to keep their commanding officer from seeing that the work wasn’t done by stacking the bricks in the opening without mortar. They planned to fix it the next day, but the Mexicans attached in full force and the Fort was over run. Fighting was useless. Even the great David Bowie fell to Earth … Jim Bowie (sorry) … and Davy Crocket died before he could sign a deal with Disney. If they stayed, the men would have died. Their families back in Smallville would have suffered if they had never returned to help out in the fields. But what could they do? They were trapped! But then Larry got an idea and shouted out to the leader of their small group, “Remember the alley, Moe!” The men turned and ran to the door where they had piled the bricks. They easily pushed the bricks down but it took several minutes for the men to get through the doorway because they all tried to leave at once and got wedged into the door frame. Once they got through the door, they ran down the alley and didn’t stop running until they were back in Smallville. There were very few Americans that survived that day, but it is perhaps best that history has forgotten the survivors who came from Smallville.

*** Popular Restaurant ***

The Talon was not always the most popular place to hang out in Smallville.  Dionne Warwick had a restaurant in Smallville that was visited by Presidents and Kings.  No one believed that such a place could exist and had to see it for themselves.  The restaurant was never under-staffed, never over-staffed, never had food that needed to be thrown out at the end of the day and never had to tell a customer that the restaurant was out of the food that the customer wanted to eat.  The restaurant made money hand over fist until Dionne closed the business one day before three tornados came through Smallville and destroyed the restaurant building.  Rumor is that Dionne had a huge insurance policy on the building and made out like a bandit when it was destroyed.

Dionne called her place “The Psychic Friends Restaurant.”  When you went there to eat, you were seated immediately and your food was there waiting for you … having been put on your table seconds before you sat down.  The food is exactly what you would have ordered in the quantity that you would have eaten.  The service the waitresses gave a customer was directly proportional to the tip they knew in advance that they were going to receive.  Only a few potential customers were turned away at the door – and then it was only because Dionne knew that they didn’t plan to pay for their meal.

The staff were always extremely attentive to Clark Kent … treated him like some kind of celebrity.

I really miss the place.  It spoiled me.  It’s hard now to go into a place, actually figure out what you want to eat and the wait for it.

*** It’s Just Not Natural ***

[Paid for by the ASSPLLOC – The Alexia Society for the Safety and Protection of Lagomorpha Leoridae Oryctolagus Cuniculus.  Amazing that they have any money left after paying for the letterhead on their stationery!]

Lake LaSalle, also known as the Great Inland Sea is the largest lake in North America.  In fact, it is the largest body of fresh water on Planet Earth!  Without it, Metropolis wouldn’t be the greatest inland port city in the world.  Much of Kansas avoided being part of the Great Dust Bowl of the 30s due to the abundant water readily available from the many steams and rivers fed by Lake LaSalle.  The lake even served as the backdrop for the famous Steinbeck story, “The Grapes Abundant.”

Until recently, the lake and the hilly region surrounding it were assumed to have natural origins.  The Native Americans that lived in the region handed down stories of god-like flying men with fiery eyes who fought a great battle.  According to the stories, the battle ended in a mighty explosion which resulted in a great darkness and long, terrible winters that caused the near extinction of the buffalo.  The stories tell that those who won the battle promised that they would make sure that none of their people would ever returned to disturb their peace again.  This is supposedly why, when white men again came to America, the natives laid down their weapons and offered no resistance when their lands were taken from them.  According to history record, President George Custer himself told how he was often asked by the natives why white men rode horses when everyone knew that they could fly like the wind.  These stories were always treated as if they were tall tales … until now.

Geologists have long believed that the shape of Lake LaSalle indicated that it was caused by the direct impact of a meteor.  But core samples recently taken from the deepest portions of the lake tell a far different story.  I don’t follow the scientific explanations, but the leading minds in the field all agree that the crater that became Lake LaSalle was formed by an explosion more powerful that anything man is yet capable of making – and that the source of the explosion was in no way natural.  The lake bottom near where the core sample was taken is a huge sheet of a fused green glassy substance with a mild radioactive signature.  The hills of Metropolis are the result of debris thrown out of the crater when the explosion occurred … approximately 600 years ago!  An explosion of that magnitude could have easily thrown enough dirt in the air to account for the severe cold weather worldwide at that time in Earth’s history.

Were the Native Americans right?  Did a race of flying aliens battle here … or use our planet like we used Bikini Atoll – as a test site for a powerful explosive device?  Hmmmm.  On some sandy shore on some distant world, do well-built women wear tiny swim suits and call them “Earths” in memory of what their people did here?  No one knows.  No one can say.  We can only speculate until we journey to the stars ourselves to discover a little piece of our past.

What would Kansas be without Lake LaSalle?  Certainly there would be no Metropolis, at least not the one we all know, without America’s Great Inland Sea connected by the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers to the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean beyond.

It’s something to think about … or NOT.

Oh, yeah.  Alexia says, “Be kind to rabbits.  They never did anything to hurt anyone.”  This message paid for by the ASSPLLOC … or will be as soon as Alexia gives me my 5 dollars!

***The Shoot Out at the Smallville Corral***

From the recently un-earthed journals of Sarah Hope Lang, first school teacher in Smallville:

=====

I need to write this down to try to make sense of something impossible and miraculous and strange.  If this is found by someone who didn’t experience these events, please ignore what I say here.  Anyone who reads this without having lived through those strange days will logically conclude that I have lost my senses.  I know that I would not believe this if I hadn’t experienced it first hand.

My father had wanted nothing for me than for me to marry well and have many children, but I had a different dream.  I wanted to teach.  No one in town was thrilled with the idea of having a school in town. The rich families sent their children to boarding school in Metropolis.  No one saw any point in educating the children of farmers and shop keepers.  Everyone felt that parents could best teach their own children so that their children could follow in their footsteps.  I resented the fact that children were being thought of as nothing more than replacements.  This was a system guaranteed to maintain the status quo – that the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor.

I am strong willed if nothing else.  Plus I have a talent that I hate to use.  If I look at a man with the right expression, I can get him to do anything I ask.  Mr. Small soon funded the construction of a one-room school house and donated some land a mile out of town.  It came at a price.  I was expected to be a nanny to any children brought there whether they were old enough to walk or not.  The course of a day was often spent keeping the younger ones occupied so I could get a few minutes to help the older students learn their reading and writing and arithmetic.

I practically lived at the school house.  My father warned me about being there alone at night.  He always talked about gangs of armed men who were known to travel the roads.  He told me if a gang got hold of me and left me alive, there wouldn’t be a man in town that would have anything to do with me afterwards.  My response was always the same -- that I had never seen any gangs … and that some things in life are worth taking a risk for.

One night I returned to the schoolhouse after dusk to try to prepare some course work for the week.  I lit a lantern and started to walk towards the front of the classroom when I saw something large at one of the desks.  As I focused my eyes to see what it was, the form shifted as if startled and then stood up.  It was a huge bear of a man.  I screamed my head off.  The man’s face took on an expression of horror and he began to sob uncontrollably.  I had never seen a man cry before (… except for that time when I told my father that I had declined William Small’s offer of marriage).  I began apologizing, telling the man that I didn’t mean to scream but that I had been startled to see him there unexpecxtedly.  But the man continued to cry.  I pushed down on his shoulder to get him to sit down.  On the desk, the man had gathered all the reading primers that had been in the class room.  I tried to talk to him and eventually he calmed down.  At first I thought he was mute but he finally understood my gestures enough to tell me his name – “Purell.”  When it became apparent that Mr. Purell didn’t know a word of English, I improvised a small reading lesson for him.  I showed him pictures then pronounced the word that was printed under it.  The first world he responded to and repeated was “home.”  He repeated the word again and again in a mournful way and with a tear in his eye.  It almost broke my heart.

I failed to describe this stranger other than his size.  If a man can be described as beautiful, this man certainly was that!  He had long, black hair and soft green eyes.  His skin was smooth and un-blemished as if he had never used harsh lye soaps or suffered an injury of any kind.  He must not have been wandering the countryside long because he had no tan what-so-ever.  His condition would normally indicate someone well taken care of – someone rich who never had to spend time out in the hot sun or had to blemish his hands doing a hard day’s worth of rough work.  I later learned that this man had no end to his capacity for work and yet never did get calluses or blisters like an ordinary man might.

A couple hours after making Mr. Purell’s acquaintance, I managed to make him understand that he could sleep in the corner of the schoolhouse.  I told him that I would be back in the morning.  He probably didn’t know the meaning of my words, but he seemed content and re-assured.

In the morning, I brought him breakfast.  He carefully picked through his food to avoid eating any meat.  I wondered how a man could grow so big and muscular without having meat in his diet.  I began teaching him with the rest of the class.

I tried to find work for him in town but most people these days are nervous of strangers … and Mr. Purell was indeed strange to them.  Mr. Silas Kent kindly agreed to let him sleep in his barn.  He offered to feed Mr. Purell if he would clean up the barn and do minor chores.  Mr. Kent kept finding that metal tools that had been broken were repaired better than new.  Despite Mr. Purell’s un-callused hands, Mr. Kent finally concluded that, wherever he was from, Mr. Purell must be a blacksmith – and a fine one at that.  That was something Smallville sorely needed.  But Mr. Kent was confused how Mr. Purell could seamlessly rejoin broken metal implements without fire or forge.

Over the next few days, Mr. Purell learned enough words to let me know some fragments of his story.  Someone had told him that he wasn’t allowed to come here, but he was curious and came anyway.  Then he lost his key.  What lock his key was meant to open, I can’t even begin to imagine.  He believed that losing the key was his punishment for being bad.  He said that he couldn’t go home ... and that his family didn’t know where he was.

Word spread that Mr. Purell was attending school with the children … and that I was giving him private lessons at night with no one else present.  It was all quite innocent, but it was seen as very improper.   The community was up in arms.  They didn’t want this stranger near their children.  There were threats of closing the school or burning it to the ground.  I was called to a mid-day town meeting to settle the matter.  I instructed the older children and Mr. Purell at the schoolhouse to watch the children.  I was making my argument that Mr. Purell was a harmless man who just wanted to learn enough words so that he could talk to people.  Then the room darkened.  It was as if it was suddenly midnight although it was not yet noon.  We looked out and the mother of all storms was coming towards us -- fast.  At the time, we couldn’t tell if it was a tornado or not because there was practically no visibility.  I shouted that the kids were all out in the school house and that it wasn’t built to handle weather like this.  Grown men tried to leave the building but they couldn’t get ten feet out the door due to the intense winds.  I tried to go but the men stopped me.  The community building was the only brick structure in town, so everyone planned to wait out the storm there.

The mothers were all crying, afraid of what might happen to their children.  But before we knew what was happening, the door swung open and four toddlers ran into the room and into their mothers’ waiting arms.  The children were wet but happy … and a couple of them were even laughing.  Before the men could close the door, four slightly older children came in as if they had been tossed through the door.  When asked what had happened, they said that Mr. Purell had carried them there under his arms.  I asked where he was and they said that he was going back to get everybody out.  We all knew that that was impossible.  It was a 2 mile round trip.  Even if there was no storm and he could continue to carry 4 at a time, that task would require 6 trips – 12 miles!  Yet, even as I calculated the impossibility of it, the children arrived in groups of four and, as the older children showed up, 2 at a time.  I finally couldn’t stand it any more and managed to run outside before anyone could stop me.  I clung to a post and stared as best I could into the rain and darkness until I could finally make out a figure coming toward the community center.  It was Mr. Purell with two more children.  He moved unbelievably fast and dodged uprooted trees that flew past him.  Considering the amount of debris that was flying around, it seemed impossible that he could have moved through it without getting struck by something.  But this was a day for impossibilities -- a day of miracles.  Mr. Purell walked in the front door with two 15 year old boys under his arm.  They were the oldest male students -- the last who were unaccounted for.  He gently put them down and the men secured the door behind him.  The ladies went to thank him and then stood stunned in his presence.  Most people there had never seen him this close.  What was left of his outer garments was in tatters leaving his tight under garments exposed.  These were made of a material unlike anything we had ever seen but similar in texture and shininess to a fine silk.  He was drenched to the skin … and what beautiful skin it was.  A man saw the looks in the ladies’ eyes and ran forward with an over coat.  There was an immediate decision that Mr. Purell could continue to go to school if he would agree to be the new town black smith ... and as long as I would never spend time alone with him in the future.  Once I was able to explain the arrangement to Mr. Purell, he agreed to stay in Smallville until he could find a way home.  The town couldn’t fulfill its arrangement with him right away.  There was no school house any more.  Both it and a good portion of the town had been destroyed.

When people saw the destruction and thought about how Mr. Purell had walked right through it, many became afraid of him.  Some thought he was from heaven, some thought he was from hell.  Most thought that he was just lucky.  Some believed that the school house with the children inside had been lifted by the tornado and dropped in town before Mr. Purell began getting the children out.  That would explain how he could have delivered all the children to the community building so quickly.  If so, what was left of the structure had blown away before anyone left the community center the following morning.  But I don’t believe that that is what happened.  I know the truth.  I know that he was from heaven – a lost angel, but I don’t want to get ahead of my story.

The women all began dressing nicer and saved up their pin money so that they could make trips to the blacksmith shop to buy their pins.  They came even more frequently when he refused to take money for pins or anything else, and … as everyone knows, pins are not inexpensive!  The women all hoped … I should say “WE” … all hoped to find him shirtless, working over a flame and glistening with sweat.  But Mr. Purell insisted on working in private … and no one ever saw the man work up a sweat, no matter what.  And no matter how obvious the women were about their desire for the man, Mr. Purell never seemed to understand what they wanted.  He spent most of his time alone.  I believe that he was intensely home sick.

From my often unsuccessful attempts to teach Mr. Purell anything, I believe he had a low intellect.  Even a simple thing, like getting him to understand that the sun was yellow and not red, never seemed to sink in.  But he was the sweetest, most innocent man I have ever met -- and most likely will ever meet … even if I live to be 120 years old.  He had no concept of violence and I couldn’t make him understand about it.  In the end, I decided that I was glad that he didn’t understand.  The only thing I have regretted in the years since he left was agreeing to not spend any time alone with him.  But, alone at night, he is always with me in my thoughts.

Despite his limited intelligence, Mr. Purell did have an aptitude for building anything and everything … as long as you could make him understand what you wanted.  He was an excellent carpenter.  Within a couple days of the tornado, the trees that were uprooted in the storm were in a gigantic pile behind the blacksmith shop.  Somehow the trees had been silently moved there during the night.  In the morning that followed, the corral adjacent to the blacksmith shop was filled with lumber.  The lumber was dry and ready to use for construction.  It didn’t seem possible that the lumber had come from the felled trees because it takes time for lumber to age and dry -- but the trees were now gone and the lumber had to have come from somewhere.  Every morning brought fresh surprises.  Soon there were entire walls framed from lumber and laced with metal.  They were in tall stacks that covered the entire two acre field behind the blacksmith shop – yet no one ever heard the sound of a hammer … or any other sound that might disturb their sleep.  The town folk thought that the black smith must be building some incredible mansion because there would be no way to move the large frameworks from where they were neatly stacked to any other location.  It would take teams of horses and specially designed wagons to even consider moving them.  The following day, the people were shocked to find that the frameworks were now standing all over town -- wherever an old building had stood that had been severely damaged or destroyed in the tornado.  The people were really scared of Mr. Purell – at least the male portion of the town population.  The men imagined the hoards of workers he must somehow summon in the night to do all this work for him.  The women imagined … other things.  Still, no one wanted what was happening to stop.  And it didn’t.  Mr. Purell was the town blacksmith for 3 years.

People started coming from Metropolis to have things fixed by Mr. Purell – or made to their specification.  Many visitors stayed the night and bought meals and goods at the local establishments while in town to see Mr. Purell.  Smallville was prospering due to Mr. Purell’s presence.  Soon the word spread … and that attracted some unwelcome visitors.

The gang rode into town and there was nothing to keep them from taking what they wanted.  They weren’t very happy with the amount of money in the town’s bank.  They were especially surprised that the very popular black smith shop had no money.  Mr. Purell worked for barter and took only what people insisted on giving him.  He ate mainly corn which he grew himself (He liked to make into a creamy sauce before eating it – a recipe that has become popular in the area.)  He had no need for money.  The men took what they wanted from his shop and smashed the rest.  They were prepared to beat or kill Mr. Purell if he made any threatening move, but he didn’t react at all as they looted his place.  They laughed about what a coward he was and left him alone.

Having looted the town folk of all their money, gold and whatever else they wanted, the gang set upon the task of gathering the town’s women together.  They put us all together in the corral.  A row of men stood at the fence surrounding three sides of the corral.  A second row sat on the top rail of the fences looking over the shoulders of the men who were standing.  They all had their guns drawn to show us that our only choices were to submit or die.  They greedily and lustfully stared at all off us.  A shiver ran up my spine and I realized how it must feel to be one of the cattle that were sometimes kept here.  These men saw us as nothing more than meat to be used to satisfy their loathsome appetites.  We stood hugging the wall of the blacksmith shop as they tried to decide who got who.  Four of them started fighting over me and they made peace by deciding to share.  One man jumped off the fence and said he wanted a better look before making a final decision.  He came over to me.  I tried to be brave for the sake of the other women, but he ripped my dress and I screamed.  I heard a sound behind me like the tornado coming back.  The wall trembled a little.  The sound was a man’s voice shouting “NO!”  The next thing I knew, the wall had a doorway in it where there hadn’t been one before.  Mr. Purell stepped through the new opening and into the corral.  The man who had ripped my dress grabbed me roughly by the arm and pulled me behind himself.  Mr. Purell directed the women to go through the doorway and into the blacksmith shop.  The gunmen seemed unconcerned.  I’m sure they thought that they would make fast work of Mr. Purell and resume where they had left off.  When the women were out of the corral, Mr. Purell pointed at me and said, “Let Miss Lang go … NOW!”  The gang members laughed at the un-armed man in front of them.  They all aimed their guns at him.  How it was my time to shout, “No!”  But my voice was drowned out but the gunfire.  I couldn’t force myself to look away.  Mr. Purell’s clothes were shredded by the bullets but he stood there as if he didn’t know or care what was happening.  Some of the gunmen fell wounded by ricocheted bullets.  Soon the men holstered their guns and stared at Mr. Purell.  He simply stared back at them.  Then one of the men ran at Mr. Purell and the rest joined him.  I ran out into the street and shouted, “Help! Someone PLEASE help!  They’ll tear him apart!”

I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.  There was a small golden haired boy walking down the middle of the street at a fast clip with a determined look on his face.  Around his neck he had a chain with a pendant in the shape of an octagon.  He was wearing clothes of a strange design that were made of a material much like the material of Mr. Purell’s undergarments.  As the boy approached, he smiled at me and winked.  He nodded in greeting and said, “Good day Miss.”  Then he casually walked into the corral and up to the mass of men surrounding Mr. Purell.  I could hear him saying, “Excuse me, excuse me” as one by one he effortlessly picked each of them up and threw them 100 feet -- littering the streets with unconscious bodies.

As I walked back into the corral, I looked into Mr. Purell’s face as he saw the boy.  I had always thought Mr. Purell was beautiful, but he suddenly smiled like I had never seen him smile before.  His expression left me breathless.  Mr. Purell threw open his arms and the last half dozen men around him were throw off like rag dolls.  They landed unconscious in the corral.  Mr. Purell picked up the boy and gave him a big hug.  As his tears flowed, our bear of a blacksmith began rapidly speaking to the boy in a language I didn’t recognize.

I walked up the two and the boy turned and said, “Thank you for watching out for my brother until I could find him.  I hope he hasn’t been a bother.”

I answered, “No, Mr. Purell has been a … God Send.”

The boy said, “My parents are worried sick about him so I had better take him home immediately.”

Mr. Purell lifted my hand and put my palm to his lips and gently kissed it.  He smiled through his tears, then turned and walked down the street hand in hand with his brother.  They headed out of town towards Indian lands.  I’ve never seen him since that day.  But I am sure that the buildings he built will last 200 years.  My favorite is the theater he built for the town.

Why do I think he was an Angel?  Well, what else could he have possibly been?  Plus, as they left town, I could have sworn that Mr. Purell and his brother walked right into the sky.      

=======

So ends the account.  Sarah Hope Lang died at the ripe old age of 107 in 1961.    She never married.  Some believe that this story was simply that -- a story dreamed up by a beautiful spinster.  Was Mr. Purell simply Miss Lang’s fantasy of an ideal man – a man who was kind yet strong in a world filled with hard men suited to hard times?  Sarah Lang was an excellent artist as well as a teacher.  A sketch she drew of her mystery man was included in her journals.  Oddly enough, a photograph taken at her funeral shows a mourner who bears a striking resemblance to that sketch.

There is no documentation to support her claims, but there is one rather large piece of evidence -- The Talon.  The structure was modified (with great difficulty) to add a projection booth when the theater was adapted to show movies.  The nails in the portion of wall that was removed seemed to have been pushed into the wood rather than driven by a hammer.  Metal posts and beams that were exposed were seamlessly welded together and had fingerprints embedded into them.  There were also hand-formed conduits running throughout the structure ... as if someone foresaw that the building would someday be wired for electricity.  Curiouser and curiouser.

"Shortest School Day"

Sarah Hope Lang would turn over in her grave if she knew what became of the school system she established, nutured and watched over as if it was her only child since shortly before her 24th birthday and until her death at age 107.

The Smallville School Board knew that their school could exist without state aid or accreditation, so in the year 1999, they made a move sure to make the state and federal governments stop funding their school system -- they shortened the school day for high school students to one hour.

This move was intended to grow the economy of Smallville by allowing the students to open, own and operate their own businesses and to patronize such businesses.  This also allowed the students involved with the student newspaper to work on it full time which in turn allowed them to get rid of the existing local newspaper which was an embarrassment to the community.

The plan seems to have worked.

***What REALLY happened to Krypton***

The portal between Krypton and other planets including Earth had a side effect that Kryptonian scientists never figured out until it was too late.  The energies used by the portal would randomly latch on to any devices using infrared to trigger switches from a distance.  These devices would disappear from locations all over the universe and from all times past and present and reappear on Krypton.  Over the years, these devices piled up everywhere and the Kryptonian people were being buried alive.  When the fact that the portals caused these devices to appear on Krypton was finally discovered, Planetary Counsel had all the portal generators destroyed.  This was ironic in that those portals were the only means for the Kryptonian people to escape their doomed world.  In a last desperate attempt to rid themselves of the debris, a scientist suggested using a new bomb to destroy them all.  Jor-El studied the bomb and concluded that the cure was worse than the problem – the bomb would cause a chain reaction that would destroy Krypton.  The Counsel ignored Jor-El's warning and he barely managed to launch Kal-El off planet before the explosion occurred.

So if you ever wonder where your remote control disappeared to, it went to Krypton.  This is also the reason that, when anybody asks where Krypton was located, scientist answer, “In a REMOTE corner of the galaxy.”

***It Ain’t Fluoride***

Smallville’s water has 6 parts per million of kryptonite in it.  When the meteors flew over, particles of them spread everywhere and ended up in the water supply.  The water treatment plant has no process for removing it so there it stays.  It is not enough to make Clark sick, but it is retarding the development of his powers.  Had the Kents moved to a different area or had Clark drink only bottled water, he would have been flying around by age 5.

***White Stop Signs***

Smallville is the only city in America where all the stop signs are all white and have no text on them.  The reason is that Ben Stein’s most ardent fan, fourteen year old Josie Pussycat lived in Smallville.

Someone who had lost on “Win Ben Stein’s Money” claimed that the show was rigged and provided convincing evidence to that effect.  Ben Stein refused to pay bail money so he was locked up awaiting trial.  Josie was outraged.  She formed an army to commit acts of vandalism until such time as Ben Stein was freed and his name cleared of all wrong doing.  She called her army the “BSLO” – “Ben Stein Liberation Organization.”  Josie was the entire army because no one took her seriously.  But one little teenager was more than enough to cause havoc in Smallville.

Josie bought Clear Eyes eye drops in 20 gallon drums.  It was expensive, but Josie had followed all of Ben Stein’s stock tips and made a small fortune.  She took a bucket of Clear Eyes to every stop sign in town and splashed the liquid on them.  It got the red out before the Sheriff could get the lead out and put an end to the one girl crime wave.  By each stop sign, Josie left a note that said, “There will be no stopping us until Ben Stein is freed and his name cleared. – The BSLO.”  She was caught red-handed … well … white handed as she threw Clear Eyes on the last stop sign in town.

City workers intending to replace the signs found that all the surplus signs in the city garage had already been turned white by the thorough Miss Pussycat.  Faced with the cost of buying all new signs or repainting the ones they had, the City Counsel concluded that the shape of the signs was enough of a symbol and that people would know to stop whether the sign was red or white.  Having saved the city $10,000.00 with this decision, the Counsel voted that each of the 12 Counsel members would be given a $2000.00 pay increase retroactive to the previous year.

Ben Stein was cleared of all charges.  Josie was sent to Juvenile Hall until her 18th birthday.

*** Funding Cut ***

My Federal Grant money for exploring the history of Smallville has been cut off.  The government likes supporting quality research despite lack of popular appeal, so they used some lame excuse about the Revolutionary war not being in 1942 as the reason the funding was cut.  ONE LITTLE MISTAKE!  Anyway I guess these stories will have to stop until some other source of funding is discovered.

Thank you to the loyal readers who made this all possible.