“Coming to America”
Chapter One: Clark and the Not So Little Dutch Girl
The Kents had gone away for a week to visit relatives while Clark was off school. Clark decided to stay home alone. He was going to call Pete and tell him that he didn't need to come over and do the chores like they had agreed. Instead, Clark thought he might go out on his own for a few days. He had found that if he ran very fast, he could run across the water. To test his limits he ran east and found himself on the Atlantic Ocean before he knew it. He realized that if he stopped to turn around he would sink so he kept on running. Before he knew it he was in Holland. He was un-nerved by the experience and found a little cafe that accepted US currency and sat to have a coffee before making a return trip. While Clark was sitting there, a crowd gathered to watch a parade of students in historic costumes. When the parade was over, some of the participants came to the cafe for refreshments. One of the young women, Sylvia Fenn, was being besieged by requests from young men to share a table with them. They wouldn't take no for an answer. Clark stood and told them to leave the girl alone. Hearing him speak English like an American, the woman was intrigued and asked to sit with Clark so she could practice her skills in conversational English with an American -- an attractive, young American. Clark was mesmerized by this young beauty and was tongue tied as they spoke. Soon the woman was playing footsie with Clark under the table. Startled, Clark asked, "What was that?" Sylvia replied, "Wooden shoe." Clark answered, "Yes." Sylvia said, "Yes, What?" Clark said, "What did you ask me?" She answered, "I asked nothing. I said "Wood den shooooe." “Clark said, "OH! I thought you said "Wouldn't you." !" Sylvia asked, "Wouldn't you what?" Clark said, "I don't know what." Sylvia smiled and said, "Yet you answered "yes" ???" Clark blushed. Sylvia continued, "Hmmmm. What should I ask of you since you have answered me yes already? Hmmmm. You will meet me tomorrow at one in the afternoon at the edge of the forest over there. See? And we will talk some more. You don't need to agree since you already did. Will you know me without my wooden shoes? I will be wearing Nike’s and jogging clothes. And if you are really nice, I’ll consider telling you my name." Clark said, "See you tomorrow then, Wooden Shoe!" Clark watched her as he left thinking what he would tell that girl back home … what’s her name? The girl with long dark hair -- the one that ran the coffee shop. How could he have forgotten her name? He realized he didn't care. He checked around for a farm that would let him do some chores for a place to sleep. He actually found enough work to buy himself some new clothes for his date the next day.
After what seemed like an eternity, Clark took a seat at the edge of the forest at noon to await Sylvia. Impatient he began to scan through the trees with his remarkable vision. Then he saw Sylvia running at break neck speed through the forest. He didn't wait to see who or what was chasing her. He jumped up and ran into the forest knocking over trees in his haste to reach her. When he got to her he grabbed her and embraced her. He looked her in the eyes and said, "Don't worry, I'll protect you!" "From what?" she asked. Clark answered, "From whatever is chasing you." Sylvia tried to get her breath so she could laugh, "I'm practicing to get my best time for my forest run, you dope!" A confused Clark asked, "What is a forest run?" Sylvia answered, "Children learn to run real fast through the forest. Our parents say it is really important." Clark asked, "Why is it important?" Sylvia was surprised by the question, "You mean when your parents tell you to do something in America, you can ask why? I do what my parents tell me to!" Clark asked, "Even if it's stupid?" Sylvia answered, "I never thought about it. Well Mr. Kent, you messed up our first date, so we must do it over. Tomorrow, you wait for me at the edge of the forest! One in the afternoon. We will speak no more today." Sylvia turned and ran back out of the forest from the direction she had come.
The next day, Sylvia was doing stretching exercises at the edge of the forest preparing for her run. She was rubbing the scratches on her arms and legs thinking about the injuries the forest runs had caused. She thought that if Clark saw her, she didn't want him to see scratches. She thought about his words. Why should she run through the forest? Was just being told to do it since childhood good enough reason. She began her run through the forest but he pace slowed until she was at a slow walk. She decided to enjoy the forest, to take in the sights and to start being a little independent of her parents’ harsh rules. She wanted to run just to be with Clark and to have him embrace her once more, but she had to walk to express her new found freedom. As she walked, she started hearing little noises. She stopped and turned to see no one and nothing. She decided she was just scaring herself. She must not give in to her fear. That was what it was. She was afraid of her freedom. The noises were just in her imagination. So she began to walk again but she tripped. As she fell she could see that the laces of her shoes were tied together. She landed hard. She started to push herself up and looked forward only to see the leering face of a chubby little man sharing her straight in the eyes. He couldn't have been more than a half meter tall. He continued to smile as he said to her in an evil, menacing voice, "Hi Ho!" As she let out an ear-shattering scream that echoed and re-echoed through the forest, she felt little hands all around her binding her hands and feet. She felt herself passing out as the gag went around her mouth.
At first, Clark thought that Sylvia must be testing him, but then he raced into the forest. He hesitated when he saw something he refused to believe. Sylvia was being borne off on the shoulders of perhaps a dozen little men. They were heading towards a small opening (about 3 feet high and 5 feet wide) under the base of a huge tree. He got there just as they all disappeared into the hole. He realized that he would have to crawl to follow them, but when he got on his knees and looked into the hole, he saw that the hole went no where. The little people had disappeared and Sylvia had disappeared with them. Clark didn't know what to do.
Chapter Two: The Invisible Man to the Rescue
While Sylvia was stretching her long legs and preparing for her ill-fated run, a shimmering opening appeared in an unassuming little flat in Dorset, Great Britain. Through that opening stepped a man holding a camcorder. As the opening closed behind him, Paul Hedger popped a video tape out of the recorder, but it in a box, adhered a label “Waterloo Battle” to the box and added it to his history section on his shelf of videotapes. As he collected his mail, he felt a little dizzy. Something was not right with his world. He looked at his feet but instead of his shoes, he saw a pair of girl’s Nike sneakers with their laces tied together. Then he saw the image of a leering face. “Sylvia!” he shouted. “Dang trolls, wish they’d keep to their own kind.” He turned and said, “Open. Holland.” Another portal opened. He stepped through and then back into the flat. He ran to his bedroom, threw on a different shirt, ran to the bathroom, checked his look, swished some mouthwash around in his mouth, spat it out, returned to the portal and left.
Clark was leaning into the mouth of the hole beneath the tree staring with his x-ray vision into nothing but dirt and tree roots. He was startled by a tap on the shoulder. Paul told Clark, “Stand aside.” Clark moved back and Paul said “Polarity.” Almost immediately the dozen trolls with their precious package marched out of the hole. They were disoriented on how they had ended up where they had started. They dropped the sleeping beauty Sylvia the short distance to the ground. Paul said, “I could use some help.” Clark rushed forward and a troll threw him 50 yards into a tree. Paul turned to Clark and said, “Stay out of this. Didn’t you read your manual? This is magical stuff. Your ‘skills’ are useless here.” Clark protested, “You said you needed help!” “I do, “ said Paul, “but God helps those who help themselves. Split!” With that, Paul stepped out of himself. The two Pauls approached the trolls. Paul turned to Paul and asked, “Care for a round of football?” The other Paul nodded in agreement and promptly kicked a troll back into the hole where it came from. The other Paul kicked a troll into a tree. It rebounded where upon he head-butted it into the hole. In short order all the trolls had disappeared back into the hole. In unison, the Pauls said, “Cap it. Rejoin.” The hole closed up and the two Pauls became one. Clark walked up to Paul and asked, “Who are you, Harry Potter?” A disgusted Paul said, “I’ll regret the night I spent at the pub getting drunk with Ms. Rawlings the rest of my life.”
Clark heard Sylvia stir and knelt at her side. Sylvia stared
lovingly at Clark and said, “Clark, you’ve saved my life!” Clark looked her over
and said, “Are you OK, Wooden Shoe?” Sylvia looked at him smiling and said,
“Yes, I’m fine and, yes, Clark, ... I would. You can call me Sylvie.” Clark smiled broadly, lifted Sylvia and walked down the forest path towards the place where
Sylvia and him had planned to meet that day. Paul looked at his hands to make
sure he could see them and said to himself, “I didn’t say “invisible” did I?”
Chapter Three: If You’ve Been Trolled Once
After a long afternoon getting to know each other, Sylvia decided to be brave and take Clark home for supper. She had never dated and her Father felt it was his job to find someone good enough for her daughter. She confided in Clark not to worry because she had special powers. Clark didn’t know what to think until she told him that her power was to get her way with her father. Clark didn’t doubt it for a minute.
Sylvia was surprised by how warmly Clark was greeted by her father. He had recognized Clark as the young American who could do the work of any five grown men in the village. Maybe this one would be good enough for his oldest daughter. Now he had an option other than the local boys or the person from England who kept writing him about marrying his daughter. Soon supper was on the table. When they began to eat, they discovered that all the dairy products had gone bad. The parents became very upset. This food was fresh that day. It could only mean one thing. Mr. Fenn barked orders to his wife and she roughly hauled Sylvia off into a bedroom. Soon there was screaming and crying. The father went into the room. Clark was embarrassed for Sylvia that such a commotion was going on in front of him. He didn’t know what to do. Soon Mr. Fenn was carrying suitcases to the front door and tossing them outside. After a few minutes a crying Sylvia came out the door buttoning up her clothes as she headed for the door. Her eyes were down cast. She would not look at Clark. Her Father shouted at her some more and pointed at the door. He wouldn’t touch her or let her touch him. His face was like stone until she left the house and then he started to sob like a baby. He turn to Clark and as he was able, he explained that his daughter bore all the signs of one who had been taken. She had bruises on her legs and arms from the grip of tiny hands. The spoiled milk was a sign of their contact with the evil ones. She would no longer be welcomed in his house. He had no choice in the matter. He had his wife and another daughter to consider. He quietly asked Clark to watch over her if he could.
Clark left quickly and found Sylvia a good way down the lane with bags in hand. He stopped her, held her and let her cry for a long time.
Chapter Four: The Dutch Invasion of Smallville (Sylvia Comes Across with Clark)
Word spread quickly. There wasn’t an open door in the entire town. Clark had only one option that he could think of and it was totally unacceptable. This was his fault. He knew it was in his heart – mainly because Sylvia had told him it was his fault 3 or 4 dozen times. He had to resolve it. He couldn’t call Lex and have him send a plane. How would he explain how he got to Europe? How would he explain Sylvia? Could he legally take her out of the country? What would his Dad say? Or worse, what if his Dad said nothing and gave him that look. Finally he turned to Sylvia and asked her, “Sylvia, could you close your eyes for a long time while I do something with you? And then could you keep a secret about what I did and never tell anyone. I can’t promise that it won’t hurt. You will get pretty wet and may be sore for a long time after we finish.” Sylvia stared at him wide-eyed and was silent about it for a while. She asked, “Are we getting married first?” Clark thought the question was strange, but knew she was feeling lost and alone so he answered, “We couldn’t. There is no way we could get married legally without our parents’ permission and the proper papers and I honestly can’t wait that long. We have to get this over with before we can go to bed to night. Don’t worry. It shouldn’t take more than a couple hours and I’ll be as gentle as I can be with you under the circumstances.” Sylvia thought some more and asked, “Clark do you have protection because I don’t.” Clark said, “I don’t think it will be necessary. It will just be a little salty water and you can take a shower afterwards. I have a special way to warm you up.” Sylvia said, “OK, but you will have to tell me what to do. I’ve never done it before.” Clark said, “Well, I’ve only done it once myself and not with a woman so I apologize in advance if I make you uncomfortable.” Sylvia swallowed hard and said, “Clark, then do it now, I’ll go crazy if I have to think about it. Just do it!” Clark said, “OK, put your arms around my neck, crawl up on my back, wrap your legs around me as tight, close your eyes and enjoy the ride.” Sylvia’s jaw dropped. “I don’t think we can do it that way, Clark. I did have some education you know and girls talk.” Clark begged her, “Please, Sylvie. Trust me.” Sylvia whimpered and said, “I do trust you. After all, you saved me from the trolls didn’t you? And who knows what kind of things they would have made me do.” Clark bent over and Sylvia climbed on. Clark took a sheet that he had taken from someone’s clothes line (to which he clipped the last of his money) and wrapped it over Sylvia and around his chest and tied it tightly in front of him. He grabbed Sylvia’s suitcases and started running. After a few moments Clark stepped out onto the water. Sylvia asked into Clark’s ear, “What are you doing Clark?” Clark yelled back, “I thought we discussed everything. I can’t stop now. Just hang on.” At some point during the crossing, Sylvia passed out. When she woke up, she was in a warm bed. Her arms and thighs ached. She rolled over to find herself all alone. Disgusted, she said, “Men are the same everywhere! You give them what they want and once they’ve got it, they’re gone!”
Commercial Break: Red Ross
Pete had come over to do the chores so Clark escorted him into the kitchen. “Pete, this is Sylvie Fenn from Holland. She’ll be staying with me until we make other plans. Sylvie, this is my best friend, Pete Ross. [Sylvia nods at Pete because her mouth is full.] I made a bowl of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes for Sylvia because they are an All American food. I want her to learn to love America and Kellogg’s is the very heart of America. And corn flakes are the best way to build a strong and beautiful body whether you are from another continent or another planet.”
Pete managed to close his jaw and wipe the drool from his chin. “Clark, this girl must have been eating a lot of Kellogg’s cereal from wherever she came from because she does have a beautiful body and she looks strong enough to hold me down. I HATE YOU, CLARK! I’m mucking out your stalls in your barn while you have this gorgeous love machine in here wearing only your t-shirt! It’s bad enough that all the local girls are at your command but now you have Miss Holland swimming the Atlantic to give you compete in the competition for your attention. When’s the swimsuit competition because I want to be a judge!”
Clark rolled his eyes, “Did I tell you that Sylvie is fluent in English?”
Pete turned red and said, “No. No you didn’t.”
Sylvia said, “Have some Corn Flakes, Pete. They’re delicious.”
Pete answered, “Can I have some -arsenic to go with them?”
Chapter Five: The British Invasion
Clark watched Sylvia happily eating her Kellogg’s Corn Flakes while Pete was having trouble hitting his mouth with the spoon because he was so distracted. Clark pointed out, "I notice that the milk isn't spoiled because you are here." Sylvia says, "That was so unfair! It's not supposed to be trolls that make dairy products turn, it's Warlocks -- if you believe such non-sense." Clark said, "Well, I'm starting to believe in a lot of things, including Warlocks." Sylvia asked, "Do you think one was around the day you saved me and came to dinner?" Clark answered, "I would almost bet on it." Sylvia said, "Well it was always happening at my house. And Mom was always checking my skin from head to foot for signs but I didn't understand why." Pete says, "Well, since your Mom isn't here, I'd volunteer to help out to make you feel more at home." Sylvia said, "No, thank you, Pete. But I'll tell you something freaky. Every time this guy would send a letter asking my father for my hand in marriage, the milk went bad." Clark was interested now, "Who has been asking to marry you?" Sylvia answered calmly, "The butcher of Dorset." Pete dropped his spoon, his eyes widened and he asked, "A serial killer wants to marry you?" Sylvia laughed, "No, the butcher from the meat market in Dorset, England silly! Funny thing is, he's writing from England but the letters show up at the door with no postage. There's a knock at the door and the letter is there and the milk goes bad. I took it as a sign that I shouldn't marry the guy."
Meanwhile, in Dorset, Paul is signing to himself, "Got a funny feeling when you're no where around ...." He stops and thinks about it. "Time for a look see. Eye portal. Sylvie's room." Paul puts his eye up to the small portal and peeks in to see Sylvia's young sister playing on the computer. Strange -pee-pee- noises are coming from the speakers as she plays. The room has been totally rearranged. One of the beds is missing. Paul's worse fears are confirmed. Sylvia is gone from his sphere of influence. How can he protect her from her hurting herself with all her physical antics when he can't be turned into her presence? Sylvia's sister pauses from her games and sips from her cup of milk and shouts, "EEEWWWW!" Paul closes the portal and rushes to his bathroom mirror. "Hey mirror, where's Sylvie?" asks Paul. The mirror answers, "Ask correctly and I might answer you slob!" Paul angrily asks the mirror, "Slob! Why are you calling me slob?" The mirror says, "If you had manners, you would make sure I am not active when you use the facilities! I have feelings, you know! So ask me properly if you want a proper answer." Paul begrudgingly agreed, "Sorry mirror, I'm worried about Sylvie. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, where's the fairest one of all?" The mirror answered, "That is more like it kind sir. The fairest of them all is in Smallville, Kansas, USA at the residence of one Clark Kent who may be the second fairest of them all. She is currently eating Kellogg's Corn Flakes and wearing only a t-shirt." Paul stammered, "Mirror, show me!" The mirror grunted. Paul repeated the request, "Mirror, kind, dear, Mirror, show me my fairest please." The image appeared and Paul was at first relieved to see that Sylvia was OK, then excited to see how she was dressed, then angry to see that Clark person across the table from her and a drooling idiot memorizing her from a nearby seat. Paul rushed to the other room and shouted for his familiar Ringo. The black cat came running in. He fetched his bag and grabbed his broom George and made a mental note that the broom needed to be flipped over when flying in the states. Lastly he summoned his wand John. He put then all plus a lot of his clothes in an oversized suitcase and folded it smaller and smaller until he tucked it comfortably in his back pocket. "He shouted "Open. Smallville, Kansas!" A portal opened. He stepped through and then stepped back into his flat and rushed to the bathroom. A second later, the mirror screamed. Paul said, "Sorry! Mirror sleep!" Paul swished some mouthwash, spat it out, checked his look in the mirror, then rushed to the portal and dived through it. He landed in a wheat field about 100 miles from the Kent's farm. For some unknown reason [enter excuse to delay story here], the kryptonite concentration in the Smallville area somehow made forming stable portals in the area nearly impossible. He pulled out his suitcase, got out John, George, and Ringo. Paul turned to them and said, "Guys, I don't think we're in Dorset anymore." Paul jumped onto George and went to take off but instead hit the ground. "Damned Colonies!" he shouted. With that, he flipped George over, jumped on and flew off to the Kent home.
Chapter Six: Jon on Dealing with Women
Jon was on a roll. Clark couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Sylvia just watched and ate more Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. “Son, it’s not like you found a stray puppy and brought it home. Although she has those big dark eyes like a basset hound I once had that seem to say, “Please pet me.” And it’s not like we can just drive her home. I can’t believe you, Clark. You can’t imagine how shocked I was to come in and see her wearing nothing but that old t-shirt of yours. As nice as she looks in it, she seems to be stretching it out of shape a bit. And, I think either it’s a little cold in here for her to be wearing just a t-shirt – or she’s happy to see me.” Clark finally was able to say, “Dad, did I tell you that she ….” Jon interrupted and said, “Look Clark, all I want to know from you is why you didn’t just outright refuse to bring her home with you.” Clark said, “Well, Dad, she looked at me with those eyes and she was all alone and had no place to go. Then she reminded me that it was all my fault and that she didn’t have a home any more.” Jonathan interrupted again, “That’s all I need to hear. One. You say she’s from Holland? Well those Dutch girls can’t be trusted. They’ll get you to stick your finger in a hole and a minute later they leave you alone with a wet finger and no way to get out of the position your in. Second. She is a woman. She may be young but she is fully equipped – very fully equipped with everything she needs to wrap you around her pinky if you’ll let her. IF you’ll LET her. Son, never let a woman tell you what to do. NEVER! Maybe let then THINK they are controlling you, but never let them actually control you or make you do anything you don’t enjoy doing.” Martha calls from upstairs, “JON! The toilet overflowed again. Get up here now and clean it up! I don’t want our guest to see all this.” Jon turns and calls back, “In a minute, dear, I’m talking to Clark.” Martha yells back, “NOW, DEAR. You can talk to Clark anytime. I need you to get this done so you can go into town and pick me up some napkins.” Jon called back, “We have plenty of napkins on the table.” Martha yelled back, “Not that kind of napkins. Don’t make me say it. I don’t care about the brand. Just make sure to ask your friend, the store manager, what’s the best deal this week. What’s taking you so long? The floor isn’t cleaning itself!” Jonathan sighed, “OK, I’m coming right up! [turning to Clark] Remember what I said!” As he walked by Sylvia, she spoke to Jonathan, “Oh, Mr. Kent, could you get some more Kellogg’s Corn Flakes when you are I town, please.” Jon turned to Clark, “She speaks English?” Clark nodded and said, “Fluently.” Sylvia said, “Yes, and I was glad to see you.” Jonathan turned a bright red then headed upstairs when Martha resumed yelling for him.
Chapter Seven: Tissue of Lies?
Apparently Pete was down at the Talon shooting his mouth off about how beautiful Sylvia is. If you have to keep one aspect of your life secret, it makes it harder to contain the gossip that you haven’t promised not to spread. Pete was really on a roll. He was following the advice of Mark Twain who said, “Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story.” The way his story went, Sylvia had hog-tied Clark and taken advantage of him and had moved into the Kent home. Pete made it sound like Sylvia was the one that had chained up Clark for the rest of his life. Lana tried to ignore him at first but the cost of dropped and broken coffee mugs was adding up as Lana couldn’t bottle up her feelings anymore. In the back of her mind, she always knew that Clark would be there for her any time she decided that he was the one. Now she was feeling as if her guy in reserve would soon be unavailable to her. She had never allowed herself to hate, because she knew that going there would unleash the demons that were tightly compacted into her tiny little body. But now, she was starting to hate someone she had never even met. All the un-resolved anger of a lifetime was coming back to her ranging from the time in preschool when a girl took her “flesh” colored Crayola crayons to anincident just moments before – when a man had gone to pay the bill, his wife took the tip that he had left for Lana. It’s mine, MINE, MINE! You can’t have it! HE’S MINE, YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM! She did all in her power to rein in her feelings. She told someone to take over for her as she left the Talon. She hoped the Sheriff wasn’t patrolling because her driving was shaky as she drove out to the Kent farm – she didn’t want to wear those overalls again and mop anymore floors for a simple driving violation. On the other hand some -assault charges might be worth jail time if it would mean that she could get HER Clark out of the hands of that teenaged terrorist from tramp-elvania.
Without knocking, Lana stormed into the kitchen of the Kent farm house and slammed the screen door behind her. She looked angrily at Clark and at the young woman at the table. She turned to Clark and said, “I just had to come to see if it was true and it is. You’ve started keeping a cow in the house instead of in the field where it belongs.” Clark wondered if there were some Nicodemus plants blooming somewhere around there because this was not the Lana he knew. Lana continued, “So what are you doing in the kitchen Clark, having a piece of Dutch apple pie? Couldn’t find something locally that was more to your liking. [Lana heard Sylvia chuckling and turned to face her.] And just what are you laughing at, b****?” Sylvia said, “Mooo. If I’m a cow, at least my babies won’t go hungry. Yours would starve.” Now Lana was trembling noticeably. She studied Sylvia up and down – sizing her up. Any trace of guilt or regret about her words and actions had vanished. She felt justified now in whatever came after this. Lana turned to Clark and asked, “Could I please have a large glass of cold water Clark? [Clark hesitated.] Water. H 2 Oh, Clark. From the tap. It’s not like I don’t wait on you every day. I’ll even give you a tip.” Clark quickly grabbed a McDonalds 32 oz. cup from the cupboard, filled it and handed it to Lana. Lana continued, “Here’s the tip, Clark. Don’t let this little tramp from Ho-Land fool you for one minute. You see, I know all the female tricks too, but I’m too much of a lady and I’m REAL so I don’t use those tricks. Before you is a big lie sitting there and presenting herself as something she’s not. Ever see what happens to tissue paper when it gets wet? Watch this!” With that Lana threw the water at Sylvia drenching her shirt. She knew that the tissue she imagined that Sylvia had used to put on a false front would collapse and reveal the truth. This proved to be a tactical error as the t-shirt seemed to disappear, leaving Sylvia sitting proud and pretty. Evidence suggested that everything about Sylvia was real. She turned back to look at Clark and she barely recognized him with his eyes popped out like that. Then, in what she thought was a gentlemanly act, she watched Clark quickly averted his eyes towards the living room door. Lana ignored a whooshing sound from the living room as she turned back to Sylvia and shouted, “Don’t women in your country wear bras?” Sylvia shot back, “If all women were built like you, no one would need to wear bras.” Lana was angry and her tears began to flow when the fire burning the couch in the next room finally became big enough to catch her attention. She didn’t know what to do. She finally turned and ran outside. Jonathan ran into the kitchen to see to Sylvia’s safety and saw more than he bargained for. When he finally remembered the fire and got Sylvia out the back door, Clark was in the front yard having carried the burning couch out the front door. As Clark brushed the soot off himself, he heard a voice shout at him, “That make twice you have put my beloved Sylvia’s life in jeopardy. That is intolerable!” Clark looked around to see who was talking to him but saw no one. Paul shouted, “Up here you pea-brained dolt!” Standing effortlessly balanced on a broom that was horizontally suspended 50 feet in the air was Paul Hedger and his cat Ringo.
Chapter Eight: Fist Fight at the Old Kent Coral
"I'm calling you out, Farm Boy," shouted Paul from his lofty perch. Clark said, "I don't like to fight." "I guess I'll torch your barn then," said Paul. "Why would you want to do that?" Paul answered, "The lives of my 16 kids depend on it." Clark answered, "You look a little young to have 16 kids." Paul said, "I don't yet but I will and they are counting on me to get you out of the picture. I guess the barn goes. Just a friendly warning, the house is next." Clark said, "OK. OK! But we need some ground rules: First ground rule is that we fight on the ground. I don't have a broom like yours and I can't fly. Rule two. I fight only you -- not two of you. I'll fight you and the cat, but not 2 of you." Paul interrupted, "Whoa Farm Boy. Don't disrespect Ringo here. There's no need for that. He could take you on without me and he wouldn't leave enough of you to spread on a cracker. This will be a fair fight. Just you and one on me on the ground in your coral over there. I'm older and experienced. You have the strength of youth." Clark said, "I don't think you know what you are up against." Paul snickered, "Don't I? Red Sun in morning, Farm Boy warning!" A cloud passed in front of the sun and a red tint covered the landscape. Paul jumped to the ground and the cat proceeded on broom to the coral. Paul said, "And I'm done using magic until the fight is over. To be totally fair, I must warn you that I was boxing champion at my grocery store in Dorset. I broke down more boxes for recycling than any other employee. Takes a lot of upper body strength for that. Shall we go?" Sylvia ran up to Clark and kissed him then said, "Deal with him like you dealt with those trolls!" Paul said, "Farm Boy didn't tell you that I rescued from the trolls?" Sylvia shouted, "That's not true, is it Clark?" Clark said, "I'm afraid it's true. I meant to tell you, but there never was the right time." Slyvia pouted and said, "And I let you take around the world!" The she threw a right cross and Clark collapsed in a heap at her feet. She turned on her heal and said to Paul, "Are you the Butcher of Dorset?" Paul answered, "Yes, I am." Sylvia said, "Well, OK then, I'll marry you but you have to give up magic because I like milk! I want to go into advertising and you can raise our kids. I want to name my first baby Tabitha!" Paul answered, "Agreed." After giving Paul a big kiss, Sylvia asked, "What was Clark talking about there being two of you?" Paul answered, "I can make myself into 2 or more people identical to myself." Slyvia said, "OK, they can come on the honeymoon too." Paul whistled and George the broom returned. The couple hopped on and took off for parts unknown as the cloud passed and the yellow sun shined through. Clark got up and rubbed his jaw saying to Jonathan, "You're right Dad. If you don't take control with a woman from day one, they will make your life he11." Martha tapped John on the shoulder and asked, "You said WHAT?! We'll discuss this later. But now we are going to the furniture store to get a new couch and then to the paint and drapery stores because the living room needs redecorated. We will spend the afternoon picking out throw pillows. Then I'll wait in the car when you go in and talk to your friend about getting a good deal on my napkins. Tomorrow you will be painting and re-carpeting the living room. Let's go." Jon hung his head and said, "OK, Dear. I'd love to do that dear." Then he turned to Clark and said, "Remember, what I said. Be the man. Take control!"
Clark stood for a while thinking about what to do with his afternoon. "Maybe I should go to the Talon and see how what's her name is doing. Hmmm. Sylvia's sister didn't come down for dinner yesterday. I wonder what she's like?"
[OK for this to end now Dutchie?]
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to individuals living or British is strictly intentional.