“Cousins” -- A “Saved By An Angel” Else World Parody
On Earth in 1961, Jor-El was kissing Louise in the barn. The Sheriff entered and began firing at Jor-El. The bullets bounced off, but one had ricocheted and hit Louise. Jor-El blasted the Sheriff with his heat vision and he made an ash of himself. Jor-El knelt and watched Louise die. He shouted “NO!” His shout echoed and re-echoed. He realized that he actually loved this woman and couldn’t live without her. He flew into the sky. Marlon Brando’s face appeared and said, “My Son, it is forbidden for you to alter Earth’s history, but I will allow you to do it just this once for a small favor that I will ask of you at a later time."
Jor-El said, “Thank you Godfather.” Jor-El circled the planet counterclockwise until time reversed itself. He landed in front of a teenaged Louise and handed her his pendant and said, “Do not marry another! Wait for me!” He flew forward in time and renewed his relationship with Louise. He took her home with him through the portal in the Kawatche Caves. For this, he and his family were forever forbidden to leave Krypton. In time he discovered that Krypton was about to blow up. The counsel believed this to be a ruse for Jor-El to again leave the planet and refused to lift their ban on his portal privileges. He built a tiny rocket for him, Louise and their infant daughter Kayla to escape in. As they left orbit, Krypton exploded and the ship was damaged. Realizing that there wasn’t enough oxygen for the 3 of them, Louise cut off Jor-El’s oxygen supply and Jor-El cut off Louise’s supply. The infant Kayla survived and was adopted by the Kents. She appeared normal in every way but, like all Kryptonians when they aren’t disguising themselves as humans, she spoke with a distinctive British accent.
On one day, Clara was run down by Lex and his car plummeted into the river. As her mouth to mouth treatment revived him, he looked down her summer dress which was totally soaked through and wondered if he had been saved by a boy or girl. He decided he didn’t care and kissed her hard on the mouth, but Jonathan Kent knocked him unconscious. The next day, while buying a new car, he thought he saw the girl that rescued him. He ran to her and told her, “Let me buy you something, anything.”
Lana said, “Sure, buy me the Talon.” The next day, he saw Clara walking and got out of his car and said, “I bought you what you wanted, so now it’s time I get what I want.” He grabbed at her.
She effortlessly lifted him over her head and said, “Sorry, Mate. You must have me confused with my cousin Lana.” With that said, she threw him back into the stream she had fished him out of – 2 miles away. She commented, “He was too small to be a keeper anyway.” [Hmmm, sounds more of an Aussie accent if you ask me. But what do I know? I only wrote it!]
”Cousins Theme Song”
Meet Clara who’s stronger than a bear
And flies with birds up in the air.
But Lana doesn’t get a fright
Or turn pale green from kryptonite.
What a crazy pair!
But they’re cousins,
Identical cousins all the way.
One pair of matching bookends,
Different as night and day.
While Lana whines almost every minute
Clara doesn’t -- sees no point in it.
While Lana plays games to keep control
Clara makes diamonds from lumps of coal.
What a wild duet!
Still they’re cousins,
Identical cousins and you’ll find,
They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even talk alike --
You can lose your mind,
When cousins … are two of a kind.
Note. Parody includes references to:
"Saved by an Angel"
Somewhere in Time
The Patty Duke Show
Other than that it is 210% original.
For those that don’t know it, “The Patty Duke Show” was a TV series about an American girl whose English cousin comes to stay with her. The cousins look identical but the American is a party girl and the English girl is very proper and refined. There was a lot of identity confusion between the two -- sometimes intentional, sometimes not. The actress Patty Duke played both roles.